31 July 2007
I went to a funeral today. Unfortunately, there isn’t an easy way to hear that. Most adults have been to at least one funeral in their lives, and know that it's one of the more difficult events we’re called to do. The pastor opened the service by saying "we're all having mixed feelings of sadness, anger, and loss" but he prayed that we would also be able to feel joy as we remembered our loved one's life.
I've been to six funerals in the past seven years, and each time it's been a challenge to feel joy. I know cognitively through my own spiritual work that the joy is in me, but when the loss and sadness are still so fresh, joy feels very far away. After the service I said to a friend, "knowing that I'm going to feel acceptance and joy tomorrow doesn't make my anger and sadness any easier today". She responded, "knowing that we are spirits having a human experience doesn't make it easier to be human". I think I really needed to hear that. It also reminded me that every loss we experience brings up the grief of every other loss, and that helped make it OK for me to not only grieve the loss of my friend today, but to say another set of goodbyes for those I knew and those I didn't know as well (including Tammy Faye Messner, Pete Wilson, Albert Ellis, and Coach Bill Walsh who all passed away in the last few days).
I don't have a lesson that I'm looking to impart today, but I am reminded of the proverbial sayings "whatever you're feeling now is OK", and "our feelings are part of being human". One feeling (or perhaps just an awareness) that I had was how distant we can become from each other. Sitting at my friend's service, I realized I didn't know how long it'd been since I'd last seen her. I know that type of realization can bring guilt, but I didn't feel that. Instead, I'd say I felt more perturbed at how we live our busy lives distant and disconnected from each other, often giving empty promises to keep in touch. We send each other chain-letter emails and text messages, we go to movies, we tell each other we're "fine" – but do we feel connected? As I looked around the service at the faces of dozens of grieving strangers, I wondered, when we leave here, will we go back into our separate, distant lives? Will we go back to being road-ragers, red-light-runners, line-jumpers, sidewalk-rushers, elevator-elbowers, crowd-pushers? Or can our loss serve to change how we see ourselves in the world? I think my sense of perturb got tweaked because I'm afraid that after the initial sting of the loss has softened, our lives will pretty much go back to "normal". I remember hours after the September 11 tragedy, hearing the President encouraging us to go back to "normal", to keep flying and shopping and living our American lives, to be "fine". I realized then and again now, I don't want to go back to being "fine". I don't want to only celebrate the lives and hearts and dreams and joy of my friends and family members at their funerals. When I came home after the service, my first thought was I'd like to call or write everyone I know and say, "I went to a funeral today, and I wanted to let you know, now, that you're important to me and that I'm glad I've known you."
"Death is just another part of life" is a phrase I've heard many times, but each time I hear it, I notice it doesn't relate to anything my human experience can understand. But there's a line from the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" that does have meaning for me, especially today: "Get busy living, or get busy dying". Not busy doing, not busy achieving, not busy getting, not busy "fine" and "normal". But living, even if only a small part of each day; being in the present moment, taking a moment to reflect on the joy of being alive, taking a moment in gratitude for the people in our lives, taking a moment to breathe, taking a moment to be. Then maybe running one less red light, letting one person in line ahead of you, smiling to one homeless person ... and telling someone you haven't talked to in a long time why you're glad to have known them. I think that's living, and I think living is where we find the joy the pastor prayed for.
May you spread joy today.
Showing posts with label Self-Care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Care. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Somatic Health & Wellness in Action: How Can I Get It All Done?
Greetings! The following is an excerpt from article I wrote back in 2004. I hope you find it enjoyable and useful.
Most of us know that we should consistently make time for Self-Care, but often we do not seem to find the time. Our fast-paced culture teaches us that “slowing down to smell the roses” is a luxury we cannot afford, and we often feel we must keep moving, going, doing, since there is always more to do than time to do it all.
As a Somatic Health Therapist, I found myself in an even greater conundrum: How do I teach my clients that slowing down to smell the roses has value if I am also in fear of wasting time and not getting it all done? How do I teach the value of taking care of the Self without adding more things for them to do?
As I pondered these questions, I suddenly remembered something a friend of mine told me many years ago. He was speaking specifically of his rather intense work environment, but I found that his words fit my current quandary perfectly. He said, “You have to accept the fact that not everything will get done. You have to be OK with your day being interrupt driven, with everything popping up as Priority One, but at some point of your choosing, you must leave it because it will be here tomorrow.”
Imagine the power in this shift in perspective. The beauty and wisdom in my friend’s analysis was, rather than seeing “too much to do” as the problem, he saw it simply as how things are. This freed him from the traps of fighting to “get it all done”; of worrying about what didn’t get done; and of feeling guilty about what he “should” be doing. I once read that the definition of suffering is “arguing with reality”; if we decide that, yes, there is indeed too much to do in our lives, we actually regain the power to choose what’s important right now, and therefore what will get our time and full attention right now. What’s more, we can make that choice of what we will attend to at any moment during the day.
It was from here that I found I could address my questions: I can teach the value of paying attention, of being fully present in our experiences, and of making conscious choices about how we spend our precious time. With conscious awareness to how those choices affect our Selves, we are truly “slowing down” to really “take care of ourselves”.
Let’s take a practical example. Have you ever had something happen that you felt “ruined your whole day”? Perhaps someone cut you off on the freeway, or you had an argument with a housemate or family member, or your hapless employee was late again – there are probably countless examples. Most likely you felt angry, frustrated, disappointed, out of balance – all of the reasonable and understandable emotional responses to the event. But if you felt the situation “ruined your whole day” or even a few hours in your day, think of how much time and energy you spent in that state of discord, unable to fully focus on anything or anyone else. Imagine if, instead, you had allowed yourself some time to really experience your reaction to the event at the time it happened, found completion, and then chose to shift your attention away from it. The scenario might look like this:
“Oh! That crazy driver just cut me off!” At that moment ask yourself, “What emotions am I feeling right now?” Perhaps at first glance you might think, “I’m very angry at that jerk!” But seething with this anger keeps the focus of your emotions on the event and the other person, and away from your Self. Take a moment to ask again, this time looking further: “What am I really feeling now?” Perhaps the adrenaline rush is related to intense fear (“I could’ve been hurt or killed!”). Perhaps the anger is rooted in disempowerment and lack of control (“How did s/he not see me – it’s as if I’m invisible!”).
Whatever the answers, you have the opportunity in that moment to gain new information and insight about yourself, and to move in a more positive and healthy direction toward a sense of closure. With closure and completion comes the ability to truly “let it go”, and perhaps next time you’re cut off, you’ll find it doesn’t have to affect you as strongly or for as long as in the past. By choosing to pay attention to your true feelings in that moment, you empower yourself to make the situation work for you, rather than having it “ruin your whole day”. On the more tangible side, you also gain back the time you would have spent recounting the story, re-experiencing the negative and ineffective emotions, and surrendering your power and energy to the event (and that other driver!). Imagine how different your days would be if you chose living in the present over re-living the past!
As you can see from this example, “taking care of yourself” and “taking time for yourself” need not be large time-consuming TODO tasks. They can be as simple as choosing to focus a moment on you. I employ this concept in one of my favorite “exercises” in the car: when I’m stopped at a red light, I let go of the steering wheel. This very simple action allows my hands, arms, shoulders, and back to rest, and most often a deep refreshing breath naturally follows. In those moments, I can bring my attention to myself, quickly checking in to notice “how I’m doing” before I’m off again. No time is lost or wasted, and yet in those moments, I give myself the privilege of being fully present to “smell my own roses”.
So, maybe we can’t “get it all done”, but we can always choose to bring attention and awareness to our Selves in whatever we are doing. I invite you to try while you’re out for a jog, or brushing your teeth, or even at the next red light: pick a “rose” – something that has meaning to you – and for few moments bring your full attention to it. As you do, notice what you notice about yourself – notice your thoughts, your feelings, your body. Then find completion, and let it go and move on. No time is added or wasted, yet by simply bringing your awareness to your Self, you’ve accomplished self-care. Congratulations, you got it all done.
Most of us know that we should consistently make time for Self-Care, but often we do not seem to find the time. Our fast-paced culture teaches us that “slowing down to smell the roses” is a luxury we cannot afford, and we often feel we must keep moving, going, doing, since there is always more to do than time to do it all.
As a Somatic Health Therapist, I found myself in an even greater conundrum: How do I teach my clients that slowing down to smell the roses has value if I am also in fear of wasting time and not getting it all done? How do I teach the value of taking care of the Self without adding more things for them to do?
As I pondered these questions, I suddenly remembered something a friend of mine told me many years ago. He was speaking specifically of his rather intense work environment, but I found that his words fit my current quandary perfectly. He said, “You have to accept the fact that not everything will get done. You have to be OK with your day being interrupt driven, with everything popping up as Priority One, but at some point of your choosing, you must leave it because it will be here tomorrow.”
Imagine the power in this shift in perspective. The beauty and wisdom in my friend’s analysis was, rather than seeing “too much to do” as the problem, he saw it simply as how things are. This freed him from the traps of fighting to “get it all done”; of worrying about what didn’t get done; and of feeling guilty about what he “should” be doing. I once read that the definition of suffering is “arguing with reality”; if we decide that, yes, there is indeed too much to do in our lives, we actually regain the power to choose what’s important right now, and therefore what will get our time and full attention right now. What’s more, we can make that choice of what we will attend to at any moment during the day.
It was from here that I found I could address my questions: I can teach the value of paying attention, of being fully present in our experiences, and of making conscious choices about how we spend our precious time. With conscious awareness to how those choices affect our Selves, we are truly “slowing down” to really “take care of ourselves”.
Let’s take a practical example. Have you ever had something happen that you felt “ruined your whole day”? Perhaps someone cut you off on the freeway, or you had an argument with a housemate or family member, or your hapless employee was late again – there are probably countless examples. Most likely you felt angry, frustrated, disappointed, out of balance – all of the reasonable and understandable emotional responses to the event. But if you felt the situation “ruined your whole day” or even a few hours in your day, think of how much time and energy you spent in that state of discord, unable to fully focus on anything or anyone else. Imagine if, instead, you had allowed yourself some time to really experience your reaction to the event at the time it happened, found completion, and then chose to shift your attention away from it. The scenario might look like this:
“Oh! That crazy driver just cut me off!” At that moment ask yourself, “What emotions am I feeling right now?” Perhaps at first glance you might think, “I’m very angry at that jerk!” But seething with this anger keeps the focus of your emotions on the event and the other person, and away from your Self. Take a moment to ask again, this time looking further: “What am I really feeling now?” Perhaps the adrenaline rush is related to intense fear (“I could’ve been hurt or killed!”). Perhaps the anger is rooted in disempowerment and lack of control (“How did s/he not see me – it’s as if I’m invisible!”).
Whatever the answers, you have the opportunity in that moment to gain new information and insight about yourself, and to move in a more positive and healthy direction toward a sense of closure. With closure and completion comes the ability to truly “let it go”, and perhaps next time you’re cut off, you’ll find it doesn’t have to affect you as strongly or for as long as in the past. By choosing to pay attention to your true feelings in that moment, you empower yourself to make the situation work for you, rather than having it “ruin your whole day”. On the more tangible side, you also gain back the time you would have spent recounting the story, re-experiencing the negative and ineffective emotions, and surrendering your power and energy to the event (and that other driver!). Imagine how different your days would be if you chose living in the present over re-living the past!
As you can see from this example, “taking care of yourself” and “taking time for yourself” need not be large time-consuming TODO tasks. They can be as simple as choosing to focus a moment on you. I employ this concept in one of my favorite “exercises” in the car: when I’m stopped at a red light, I let go of the steering wheel. This very simple action allows my hands, arms, shoulders, and back to rest, and most often a deep refreshing breath naturally follows. In those moments, I can bring my attention to myself, quickly checking in to notice “how I’m doing” before I’m off again. No time is lost or wasted, and yet in those moments, I give myself the privilege of being fully present to “smell my own roses”.
So, maybe we can’t “get it all done”, but we can always choose to bring attention and awareness to our Selves in whatever we are doing. I invite you to try while you’re out for a jog, or brushing your teeth, or even at the next red light: pick a “rose” – something that has meaning to you – and for few moments bring your full attention to it. As you do, notice what you notice about yourself – notice your thoughts, your feelings, your body. Then find completion, and let it go and move on. No time is added or wasted, yet by simply bringing your awareness to your Self, you’ve accomplished self-care. Congratulations, you got it all done.
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